Every NFL team after Week 5, tiered the way they actually are
Two teams share the top this week, and one team lives in two tiers. Read on.
Week 5 Tiers
By Vinny
- S(atan): Chiefs, 49ers
- S If They Had A Defense: Bills
- Contenders: Ravens, Bears, Falcons w/ Penix, Jaguars, Seahawks, Patriots, Rams
- Contenders But I'm Scared: Broncos
- Track Meet: Panthers, Bengals, Lions
- Back On Track: Packers, Texans, Steelers
- Mid: Colts
- Record's Lying But I Believe: Giants, Raiders
- Record's Lying: Browns, Vikings
- Watchable Ass: Cardinals, Saints, Commanders
- Ass: Falcons w/ Tua, Chargers, Dolphins, Titans, Jets, Buccaneers
- WTF Is Going On: Cowboys, Eagles
S(atan)
Chiefs, 49ers. The Chiefs had a bye and still finished on top, which is how you know it's rigged. San Francisco is 5-0 and won in Seattle with a fumble recovered in the end zone. Book your Super Bowl rerun now. Chiefs-49ers, again. Nobody asked for it, everybody's watching.
S If They Had A Defense
Bills. Won in LA on Monday night, ran for 234 yards, and gave up 383 passing yards and 34 points doing it. Same tier, same complaint. Fix the defense and they move up a row. I've been saying this for two weeks.
Contenders
Ravens, Bears, Falcons (with Penix), Jaguars, Seahawks, Patriots, Rams. Baltimore won in overtime with Tyler Huntley at quarterback. New England put 45 on Vegas and Maye accounted for five touchdowns. Chicago got smoked in Green Bay and stays anyway, one bad Sunday doesn't erase a 3-1 start. The Rams lost in overtime and Stafford threw for 383. You don't drop a team for that.
Contenders But I'm Scared
Broncos. Down 17-10 in the fourth to an 0-5 team and needed two field goals to win. I'm in. I'm also sweating.
Track Meet
Panthers, Bengals, Lions. Detroit scored 45. Cincinnati scored 31 and gave up 217 rushing yards to Miami. Bring a calculator.
Back On Track
Packers, Texans, Steelers. Jordan Love went 25 of 31 for 367 after I had him in F. That wasn't me being wrong, that was me motivating him. You're welcome, Green Bay. Houston finally won and only needed a Titans team that can't find the end zone. Pittsburgh got sacked five times in Cleveland a week and a half ago, then Jaylen Warren scored on an 80-yard catch and a 50-yard run and they didn't turn it over once.
Mid
Colts. Honest truth: I didn't know what to do with the Colts, so I just said Mid. Then I counted the board. 16th out of 32. Dead center. I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I'm not not saying it. Five field goals and one touchdown in Pittsburgh. You can kick your way to 22 points. You can't kick your way to January.
Record's Lying But I Believe
Giants, Raiders. Vegas lost 45-17. I watched it. I'm not moving them. The sun was in their eyes in New England for three straight hours and nobody's talking about it. The Giants tied, which is technically not losing.
Record's Lying
Browns, Vikings. I TOLD YOU about Cleveland. Record's Lying last week, sacked eight times by the Jets this week, missed the extra point that would've saved them. Somebody get me a microphone. Minnesota's 5-0 and Marv picked against them and lost. I'm still not moving them. Ask me in December.
Watchable Ass
Cardinals, Saints, Commanders. Arizona led Detroit 7-0. That was the highlight. New Orleans returned a fumble 87 yards and gained 142 yards the rest of the day.
Ass
Falcons (with Tua), Chargers, Dolphins, Titans, Jets, Bucs. Penix got hurt Sunday night, Tua came in during overtime and threw a pick to Kyle Hamilton, and Baltimore scored. That's the whole tier explained in one play. The Chargers are 0-5. The Jets won and they're still here, and the guy who runs this site is a Jets fan, so take it up with him.
WTF Is Going On
Cowboys, Eagles. My Cowboys ran the ball 13 times at home on Thursday night. Thirteen. Philly's lost three straight and ran for 22 yards in London. I'm not talking about it.